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| illustrations by Chris Aggs I wrote this book after living out of England for six years. When I returned, I found that the travel book had taken over from the novel. In place of characters, chance encounters along the route. In place of plot, itinerary. In place of protagonist, narrator. Eager to keep up with the trend, and even more eager to satirise it, I filled up the holes in an ancient open boat, and rowed it from the source of the Severn to the Houses of Parliament. This occupied the wettest October since records began. The book has been described as ‘a little masterpiece of gloom.’ I cannot argue with this.
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| I met Harry Chance in a casino in Aruba some thirty years ago. Even then he was a strange figure, toothbrush-moustached, Panama-hatted, out of his time. But after he had taught me how to play Persian Monarchs (cut a deck of cards; highest card wins) I found myself greatly in his debt. In exchange for his letting me off this financial obligation, I agreed to ghost-write his laws for easy living. I am often asked if the book was a success. Well, the librarian of the House of Lords tells me that of the four copies of the original edition bought for the library of the House, all were immediately stolen. This fact, and the fact that the book has just been republished, speak for themselves. | ||
| Great events often have small causes. Think of Kermit Tyler, on radar watch at Pearl Harbour, who in 1941 dismissed a huge flock of approaching echoes as a flight of geese, only to find out the hard way that it was in fact the Japanese Air Force. Think of the ancient peasant woman whose cakes Alfred the Great burned while he schemed the invention of the British Navy. Think of William Webb Ellis, first man to pick up a football and run with it. Without these nonentities, history would have been very different. There are seventy-seven of them in this book, all obscure, all crucial. | ||
| A phrasebook to the regions of Britain (with Irish supplement) The English-speaking traveller in non-English-speaking countries is well provided with phrasebooks. In England, things are different. Stray thirty miles from home or arrivals lounge, and you will find yourself in a country whose language is totally unfamiliar. Baffled and stammering, you will find yourself in danger of misunderstanding, impatience, and xenophobic violence. This book provides a handy guide to the languages of Britain’s regions, and will spare the reader a load of embarrassment - pointing out, for instance, that a pony is a small horse in the country, £25 at Newmarket Races, and something really disgusting in Southeast London. No home should be without one. | ||